When we appreciate the good, the good appreciates.

An excerpt from Harvard University’s Positive Psychology Course – Lecture 2

Lecture given by Tal Ben-Shahar, link to view lecture

Transcribed by Z for your enjoyment & well being

What question is mostly asked by couples beyond the honeymoon phase? So they go through the honeymoon phase, whether it’s a month, a year, or two years, whatever it may be. What questions do they begin to ask after that period of time? ‘What’s wrong? What’s not working? How can we improve the relationship?’

Now that’s a very important question to ask – very important. But if that’s the only question or the only questions that we ask, then that is the only thing that we will see. The only things that we will see are the deficiencies, the things that are not working, the things that need to be improved, the weaknesses of my partner. And again, these are things that we do not need to do away with. They are important, but if they are the only questions - and usually they are the only questions that are asked or primarily asked - then as far as the couple is concerned, good things do not exist in the relationship.

Think about it on the individual level. This is very important. What is the question that we – most Americans, most Australians, most Israelis, most Europeans, Africans, Chinese– what is the question that we mostly ask about the self? I say all of us because the study is cross cultural. People mostly ask of themselves, ‘What are my weaknesses? What do I need to improve?’ Very often to the exclusion of , ‘What are my strengths? What are my virtues?’

If the only questions we ask ourselves, ‘What are my weaknesses, deficiencies?’, then the only thing that we’ll see in ourselves are the weaknesses and deficiencies. And as far as we’re concerned, the good things - our strengths, our passions, our virtues, the wonderful things within us do not exist.

Now I ask you, could a person who only or primarily focuses on weaknesses and does not see, does not appreciate their strengths, their passions, their virtues - can a person like that experience high levels of self respect, self confidence, happiness? And then we wonder, why do so many relationships fail? And then we wonder, why depression and anxiety and low self-esteem are increasing so much? The intentions are there, they’re good, we are asking, 'How we can improve? What can we do better?' But if we don’t also ask the positive question, that part of reality will not exist, as far as we are concerned.

Questions create reality. The questions that we ask very often determine the quest that we will pursue, the path that we will take, the life that we will lead. Whether it’s individually, whether it’s interpersonally, whether it’s organizationally.

What is the question that most consultants ask, either implicitly or explicitly, the first time when they meet a client? ‘What’s wrong? What can we improve? What are the weaknesses that we need to strengthen?’ Again, important questions to ask - but if you only ask these questions then you’re ignoring the strengths, the virtues of the organization. And what you’re doing, you’re enervating, you’re weakening the organization over time. It is as important, if not more important to also appreciate what is working - organizationally, interpersonally, as well as individually. It is important to appreciate what is good.

Let’s look at the word appreciate. Two meanings. First meaning – to say thank you for something, not to take it for granted. That’s a nice thing to do, we shouldn’t take for granted our virtues, our successes. We shouldn’t take for granted others. But appreciate has another meaning, which is to grow - money appreciates. When we appreciate the good, the good appreciates – the good grows. Unfortunately the other side of the same coin applies as well– when we don’t appreciate the good – when we take it for granted - the good depreciates.

And that’s what happens in most relationships after the honeymoon phase. That’s what happens to most people, especially to very driven people, who want to improve, who want to get better, and that is a good thing if that’s what makes you happy. At the same time, it’s equally as important to also appreciate what is good inside me. It is equally important to appreciate my strengths, my virtues.

"Thank U", Alanis Morrisette

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

Paz y Amor **)

Z